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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Office Depot. Betsy is going to OD to win prizes for her school when Terry gets home. The girls decide to chat while Betsy puts her makeup on. It’s raining in Dustbury, and the girls are so excited.

2) The thing. Betsy reveals that the people and stories that you hear on the podcast, and everything you hear here is fictional and any similarity to real life is purely coincidental.

3) Personal business. Dr. Jan took personal business for the last half of the day to handle the many items in her home and family that needed taking care of.

4) Treadmill. Dr. Jan has given up on going to the health center, so she wants Terry to pick up a treadmill for her because she has quit the Y. She has accepted that she is not going to go.

5) How to listen to us. The girls think the podcast should be downloaded to take along to the health club or walking or driving to work or whatever. It’s like talking to your best friend.

6) Valerie gets appointed. The girls decide that Valerie (from Birmingham, AL) is their new UGC fan club president. Valerie is a forty something gal who has a group of gals she hangs out with (from high school, for heaven’s sake), and they have established their own UGC at the local IHOP in Birmingham, AL. She plans to go all over the USA to establish UGC’s at IHOPs.

7) Steve Poling. Steve is from Tucson, AZ (though he doesn’t meet the show demographics); he loves the show and all the corny sayings (“worn slick” “ten toes up”) that the girls routinely use.

8) Seven degrees of separation. Dr. Jan explains the concept to Betsy.

9) Conversion to Democratic Party. Betsy denies that Dr. Jan converted her to the Democratic point of view last night.

10) Rock Cornish hens. The girls discuss the dinners they are preparing. It turns out to be Betsy’s anniversary… fifteen years and never a kind word.

11) Not tonight. The key words for tonight are, “Not tonight.” It’s raining outside. The temperature is above 90. It’s Africa freakin’ hot.

12) 1000 Lightbulbs.com. Dr. Jan is totally energy efficient with light bulbs, her green car, and now she’s going to go for an energy efficient roof with solar panels. Dr. Jan talks about how she is going to have to talk her neighborhood association into letting her do it. Betsy says that she will go with Dr. Jan to talk Don Cies into it.

13) Move here. Betsy considers moving across the street from Dr. Jan and her family.

14) Arnold Schwarzenegger. Betsy loves Arnold in Kindergarten Cop, and Dr. Jan loves him in any movie.. particularly Terminator 1, 2, and 3. They both love his politics.

15) Terry D. Dr. Jan congratulates Terry on his 15^th anniversary. He tells his redneck gas station joke.

16) Happy trails to you. The girls sing their end of podcast theme song… Bets and Sam sing the Barney song with a premature kiss.

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Fictional. Betsy shares her rendition of the fictionality of the podcast.

2) Betsy’s New Nails. Betsy goes in to her nail tech, and they agree it is “freakin’ Africa hot.” Dr. Jan thinks that people in the “ole days” who didn’t have air conditioning must have been real skinny and scrawny. Skinny and scrawny folks handle the heat better.

3) The Magic Eraser. The girls can’t get over how much they love Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser… they are still amazed at the magical qualities. Dr. Jan thinks they need to invest some of their earnings from being international podcast network stars in the venture.

4) Hot Fridays. Betsy recommends that Dr. Jan start “super soaking” her students on Fridays.

5) What in the heck? Dr. Jan is worried about the state of the world and all the hostilities going on. Betsy thinks the end of the world is imminent. Dr. Jan doesn’t like to hear that kind of stuff and rebukes Betsy into stop talking that way.

6) Flies. Dr. Jan wonders if all the flies are part of the end of time. She hates flies and roaches. Dr. Jan is having compliance issues… no one will do what she tells them to do about the flies. She orders fly traps on the internet at a horse place at www.doversaddlery.com.

7) Election returns. The girls launch into a truly non-funny part of their discussions. Then, they debate whether they should even include this discussion in the podcast (they don’t). Dr. Jan is tired of conservative people.

8) Funny Terry. It turns out that Terry D. was the “discoverer” of the Magic Eraser. Betsy’s funny husband, Terry D., joins the discussion and tells a joke. Dr. Jan returns with her “halo statue” joke. Terry promises to return with more jokes in the future.

9) Betsy is frustrated. The kids have been driving Betsy crazy; she advised her kids that her tranquilizers were coming out of their allowance. Dr. Jan thinks that the kids must be brought into perspective; they make working look so good!

10) Tree huggers. Dr. Jan considers having another “let’s save the environment” discussion with Betsy. She worries that she doesn’t have the right look for environmentalists. Betsy advises that she needs a braided hair do. Dr. Jan thinks about having hair extensions to accomplish the look. Betsy doesn’t like the smock look, but Dr. Jan thinks it’s a good look for those who want to have an extra serving at dinner.

11) Jack Daniels and having babies. Betsy discusses the crazy medicating ideas of someone having a baby in Colorado.

12) Latest presidential candidate for the UGC. Betsy will get the latest candidate portfolio for president of the fan club of UGC.

13) Happy trails.

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1) Fictional. Dr. Jan attempts another introduction to the fictional part of the Ugly Girls’ Club.

2) Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Dr. Jan waxes euphoric about Betsy’s recommendation for cleaning wizardry; she agrees that this product is nothing short of miraculous. The girls discuss various ways that they can use the eraser. They decide to contact the Mr. Clean Foundation to ask them to sponsor the podcast because they are such strong believers in the product. Dr. Jan is going to take it to her school and see if the eraser will take graffiti off her playground equipment. More on that tomorrow.

3) Paris Hilton. The girls discuss how their own parents would have killed them if they had behaved as Paris did. The girls wonder about Paris’ education since she has such a limited descriptive vocabulary.

4) Cleaning segment. The girls think they need to have a segment on their podcasts for worthwhile cleaning stuff. Dr. Jan says that even professional women have to cook and clean (although she admits that she has an affinity for eating out of a bag), so she thinks recommending phenomenal stuff is worthwhile for their listening audience.

5) Betsy’s still off. Betsy discusses how she is getting to sleep late, and the little girl down the street wakes them up each morning. Betsy has to wipe the chenille marks off her face before answering the door. Betsy is an immaculate housekeeper… she is clean but her house is a mess. Dr. Jan reveals her secret of being an unknown source in her neighborhood, so the children do not stop by to annoy her and her family.

6) Cameron! The girls ask Cameron to get with the Mr. Clean and Swiffer products and advise them that they are ready for them to sponsor their podcast. Dr. Jan still wants Black Box Wine to send the UGC to Pamplona, Spain for the running of the bulls next year. Betsy tells Dr. Jan about Bedre Chocolates; Dr. Jan wants them immediately.

7) Happy Trails to You.

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) What’s real or not? The girls debate what is the real or/and fictional part of the podcast.

2) Organizing. Dr. Jan has completely reorganized her bathroom and her closet. Betsy volunteers to take her throw-aways.

3) Betsy’s revelation. Betsy’s son has had a successful pottying experience. Things are looking up… Dr. Jan tells her experience with training her boys with potty targets.

4) The Magic Eraser. Betsy describes the Magic Eraser by Mr. Clean. She swears by the magical qualities of this new cleaner. She claims homemaking perfection.

5) Natural Blonde. Dr. Jan is blonding her hair as they speak, so she will have to cut the podcast short to enable her to get the processing out.

6) Saturday Ugly Girls’ Club Meeting. The girls got together for their Saturday morning meeting for the first time in weeks. They discuss the blueberry funnel cakes and eggs benedict.

7) Steve Poling. Steve has told Dr. Jan about What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage by Amy Sutherland from The New York Times. Dr. Jan has used the pearls of wisdom from this article to train her husband just as others have trained exotic animals. Betsy tries to contain her boredom.

8) Amorous husbands. Betsy’s husband has been missing her and has decided to signal his interests like he signals his need for more food at the Mexican recipe (running a flag up the pole); and Dr. Jan has been training her husband to do tasks around the house by being rewarded with “that loving feeling.”

9) Singer. Dr. Jan advises Betsy that she’s aware that the problem with their singing is Dr. Jan. The launch into a discussion of Betsy not being photogenic. Dr. Jan talks about Dotch not being photogenic.

10) Tribute to Dotch (Mama). Dr. Jan reads a tribute to Mama.

11) The Mama Song. Betsy sings a song about Mama.

12) Da-Da and Honey. Dr. Jan’s kids call their father Da Da. Dr. Jan relates a story of how one of the teachers of Joe called when he was in Kindergarten regarding his referral to his parents by their first names. Betsy’s daughter called Terry by the name of Honey.

13) Cameron. Cam is advertising for VP for the USA, and Dr. Jan thinks Terry should apply for it. The girls discuss possible sponsors for The Ugly Girls’ Club. The girls decide to roll out a red carpet to Cam, who has discussed moving to the USA; they think he should move to Dustbury, OK.

14) Republicans. Dr. Jan is sick of the damn Republicans because they are all trying to one up each other on being conservative.

15) Colorado. Dr. Jan thinks the UGC need to move to Colorado for a better climate and folks that are less conservative. Betsy relates that the girls in Colorado might be granola eating, tree hugging types. Dr. Jan thinks she will fit right in.

16) Happy Trails to You.

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

This is actually one of the mysterious lost episodes that Dr. Jan found on her computer. It was recorded while Betsy was still in Bolivar.

1) Betsy’s hurting. Betsy’s been in Bolivar, MO for almost a month now. She is in excruciating pain from some kind of back problem.

2) Naomi. Dr. Jan’s sister thinks that the UGC will become international celebrities and insists that Dr. Jan can no longer refer to her by her real name.

3) JoBeth. Betsy loves her mother, JoBeth, but she and her mother are “worn slick” with each other. Betsy tells the story of her experiences with JoBeth in Bolivar.

4) Famous. The girls ponder what life would be like if they became rich and famous.

5) The horse story. The girls relate their experience with horses at Thunderbird Lake where they ride horses as part of their Saturday morning Ugly Girls’ Club experiences. Dr. Jan tells the story of how a horse bit her while she and her horse Gus were at the watering hole.

6) Happy trails to you.

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Fiction. The girls try out a new way of advising the fictional nature of the podcast.

2) uglygirlsclub.thepodcastnetwork.com. Tune in to our blog to find out what’s going on with the UGC. Michael Douglas will not be producing UGC, but Betsy is going to find someone for their producer; and she’s thinking she will ask Kevin Costner to produce.

3) Whine. Want some cheese with that wine? Dr. Jan whines about Betsy needing to upgrade her technological ability and the failure of IHOP and BBW to become interested in being sole sponsors.

4) Ebay auction. Cameron is offering sponsor spots on Ebay for the podcasts.

5) Simbo for President. The girls discuss the first candidate for President of the Ugly Girls’ Club Fan Club. They plan to meet him in Hoboken, NJ at the Hoboken Historical Museum for the Heirloom Tomato Testing Festival on Sunday, August 27^th from 1:00 until 5:00. The girls will be going!

6) Famous singer. What famous singer is from Hoboken, NJ? Betsy sings a few tunes, and Dr. Jan does not get it… Liza Minelli is not it. Dr. Jan freaks when she finds that she almost has not recorded this episode. (Hint: Ole Blue Eyes)

7) Office? Dr. Jan pines to have an office for Betsy and herself since they have all these other worldly issues with their children screaming and yelling all the time. They decide their new limos should be their offices; then they will be tax deductible.

8) Apply now. Dr. Jan advises their listeners to send their application in for President of their fan club. Send those communiqués to theuglygirlsclub@aol.com

9) NO WATER. A water main in Dustbury has broken and kept Betsy from having water. She’s bummed; Dr. Jan does not suffer from the tragedy.

10) Happy trails. The girls thought they were improving on the song and then all Hell breaks loose.

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Wahhhhhhhhhhhh! The podcast starts out a little unusually as Betsy tries to pod with Jan during her 5.5 hour trek back from Bolivar, MO to Dustbury, OK. There’s a whole lot of screaming going on in this short podcast.

2) Hey look a chicken. Bets and Dr. Jan talk about their favorite attention deficit disorder (adult variety) tee-shirt and why it’s a running joke in their podcasts.

3) The lost episodes. Dr. Jan discovers several podcasts that the girls thought they had lost (or not recorded).

4) The Mommy Glass. The girls discuss how to make driving with your children a tolerable situation. A great marketing opportunity!

5) International Podcast Network Stars. Dr. Jan explains to Betsy that maybe they ought to be driving Limousines because just like Angelina Jolie makes an obscene amount of money (“what they pay me is stupid”), the girls need to be spending the obscene amounts of money they make from TPN on cars with mommy glasses.

6) Bad company. Betsy listens to Bad Company on her drive home to distract her from her own personal bad company.

7) School starts soon. Dr. Jan’s school starts on Wednesday while Betsy has a couple more weeks off. Dr. Jan describes her aspirations of getting to sit in her office with her feet on her desk, reading movie magazines, and eating bon-bons.

8) The fans. The girls describe the heavy burden of having so many fans with no one to help them respond to them. They discuss the interviews they are currently conducting for their first Ugly Girls’ Club fan club president.

9) The Wiggles. “Traveling far in the big red car…” Betsy croons to Dr. Jan; she’s changed the entertainment in the car to calm the children. They ponder whether it’s too late for an abortion after the children are already born.

10) Next interviewee. The girls discuss who they could interview next. They decide they need someone funny, and they excitedly decide to interview Betsy’s hubby, Terry.

11) No swimming. Betsy decides that she will drive right to Dr. Jan’s house on arriving in Dustbury; she will not be bringing her traveling mates.

12) Happy trails to you….

In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) The Big Fight. The girls demonstrate the rare disagreeable moment.

2) Left Behind. Pat has left for a conference in Florida, and Dr. Jan is in charge. It’s not looking pretty.

3) Naomi. Dr. Jan’s sister does not wish to be referred to by her real name in the podcast… even though the entire podcast is fictional, Naomi does not wish to be associated with fame. Naomi was actually sister’s godmother.

4) God, Mother. Betsy is at her mother’s house in Bolivar, and they are wearing each other slick.

5) Fighting mad. Lots of folks want to take Betsy down, she details all the problems with getting along with everyone.

6) The new neighbor. Oh look a chicken (the girls’ running joke about their shared attention deficit disorder issues)! Dr. Jan gets to meet her new neighbor while she is observing Ugly Girls’ Club Saturday.

7) Cash Cab. Betsy and Dr. Jan talk about a Discovery Channel show that they find funny and intriguing.

8) Jokes. Betsy tells the Diesel Fitter Joke. Once again, she has to explain the joke; Dr. Jan is so slow on the uptake. Betsy dozes off while Dr. Jan tells a Clinton/Bush joke.

9) Happy Trails… a very short version.

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Today’s exciting podcast. The girls talk about interviewing their friend Christi who left Dustbury, OK two years ago to move to Las Vegas, NV.

2) The conference call. Dr. Jan reveals her technical inability and tries to get Christi on the phone. It’s not Dr. Jan’s fault they are late.

3) Technical difficulties. The girls have made about 15 podcasts but only managed to produce three episodes. They think part of the problem might be with Black Box Wine. Christi is advised that chances are the podcast might not be recorded.

4) The weight of the world. Dr. Jan tells Christi that the future of the podcast depends on how funny she is.

5) The Brazilian Wax job. Christi tells about her wax job and the subsequent problems.

6) The talk over. The girls acknowledge their problem with talking over each other. The girls reveal their ages: Christi (40), Betsy (44), Dr. Jan (40-12)

7) Their new resume. Dr. Jan’s has updated her resume to include her latest roll as a Podcast Network Star.

8) The Christi story. The girls reveal the story of their friendship and the club they started, The Good Ole Girls… the GOGS (bless Elvis).

9) The thong story. Christi tells her infamous thong story; she reveals that she has NEVER talked on the phone while in the bathroom. The world’s worst wedgie!

10) Mary Helen Stevens. Betsy tells the story of how Mary Helen met Tom Hanks with the sign ICUP.

11) The ability to edit. Dr. Jan talks about how powerful she feels to be the one to decide what goes in a podcast.

12) Recovering from a wax job. The girls talk about the pain of growing back in after a Brazilian wax job.

13) The new story. Christi tells her newest wardrobe malfunction problem. Poor Antwoin.

14) Janet Jackson. Christi reveals that she is, in fact, Janet Jackson talks about her wardrobe malfunction with Justin Timberlake.

15) JoBeth’s bed. Betsy has ruptured her disk from sleeping on JoBeth’s 160 year old bed that feels like she’s on a camel’s back. Christi and Betsy conclude that their mother’s guest beds can be called “The Rack” which is worse than a Tibetan monk’s digs.

16) The five hour edit. The girls discuss how they produce the podcast in 30 minutes and then Dr. Jan has to take 5 hours to edit (if the podcast even records) it.

17) The Deagan xylophone. They discuss how Dr. Jan (and now Betsy) too begin their morning school announcements with the xylophone. They have now added a rooster call.

18) Happy Trails to You… when WILL they learn how to sing this???

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In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

Please excuse any technical difficulties with this podcast… Dr. Jan is totally lame…. And now back to your regular programming:

1) The truck. Betsy has no unfettered time; she has to escape to her parents’ barn in her truck in Bolivar, Missouri to record their podcast. Dr. Jan has to talk her out of her rigged up microphone.

2) Not coming home. Betsy advises that she will not be coming home for three more weeks. Pat’s going to Florida on his cane to participate in the High Schools That Work Conference.

3) Taps. Dr. Jan plays her Deagan xylophone version of Taps.

4) Hottern Hell. Dustbury is over 100 degrees, and everyone’s trying to cope. Betsy’s dad gets the air conditioning fixed in Bolivar.

5) Tom Brocaw. Dr. Jan refers to Brocaw’s recent broadcast on global warming. She advises that everyone should get nekkid. Betsy discusses the implications of wearing her bikini in Bolivar.

6) Mad Eddie. Dr. Jan relates her latest escapade with their esteemed superintendent. It’s not pretty.

7) Zillow. Com. Chaz Hill has told the girls about this great web site to ascertain their home value.

8) Effing charm. The girls ponder what they will do when Mad Eddie finds out about the podcast and consider future careers.

9) Hemingway. The running of the bulls (as described by classic American author Ernest Hemingway) is described by the girls. They have invited Black Box Wine to support their attendance at next year’s running.

10) Polk County Rodeo. Betsy talks about the “total package” cowboy at the rodeo.

11) Emergency level. Dr. Jan describes her problem with the technical aspects of having a brain while recording podcasts. The girls reveal that they have tried to record up to 15 more episodes only to discover someone forgot to push record.

12) The acrylic nail debacle. Betsy describe her acrylic nail problem and the solution with industrial strength acetone that her father uses to remove paint from his airplane.

13) Calling the board. Dr. Jan advises Betsy that she’s been thinking of calling Chaz Hill, Dustbury Board of Education member, about Mad Eddie; but she thinks better of it when the girls discuss Dr. Jan’s problem with authority figures.

14) Black Box Wine. Dr. Jan talks about not having to make decisions about whether to have a screw off top or a cork and concludes that a box of wine is totally the answer. She sadly describes how the BBW folks of not responded to her email requesting sponsorship. Betsy thinks there a bunch of people at BBW mulling it over.

15) Ken Lay. The girls discuss the recent death of the Enron boss. Dr. Jan discusses the tragedy of public embarrassment and concludes that life’s short… and that’s a good thing.

16) Cameron’s new podcast. Joseph, Dr. Jan’s youngest, has entered a joke at LOL.

17) Happy trails to you. When will the girls learn to sing it?

In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Contact the girls at TheUglyGirlsClub@aol.com. We want to hear from you! In future episodes, we will learn how to arrange our blog, so you can record your comments. But, hold on, we will get to that when we get to that. Oreo.com will soon be helping us!

2) Earth’s temperature. The National Academy of Sciences were commissioned by the Chairman of the House Science Committee to address naysayers to the concerns over global warming. Tune in to get the skinny on the Hockey Stick Graphic.

3) Sunscreen. Betsy details the new Banana Boat sunscreen that sprays on like hairspray.

4) Connie Chung. Betsy has viewed the Connie Chung goodbye parody. Impression: Ick.

5) Super foods. What 9 super foods will protect your brain?

6) MSNBC.COM. Matt Lauer interviews Chester who was attacked on a school bus. See what elementary principals, Dr. Jan and Betsy, have to say about it.

7) Joke of the day. Dr. Jan tells a George Bush joke and Betsy relates a family story of Caitlyn’s mysterious diet that netted a ten pound loss by eating corn flakes.

8) Dinnertime! Betsy invites the Bush’s to dinner while Dr. Jan invites her beloved Clintons to dinner at her house. Stay tuned to reactions.

9) How the UGC met. Betsy describes her employment interview with Dr. Jan. And you said they are friends??

Welcome to the Ugly Girls’ Club hosted by Dr. Jan and Betsy!

In this podcast, tune in to hear Betsy and Dr. Jan discussing…

1) Dustbury, Oklahoma. The girls live and work in the beautious city of Dustbury, Oklahoma whose main claim to fame is Chaz Hill the author of dustbury.com blog. Chaz lives in their neighborhood at the Surlywood Manor. Dr. Jan and Betsy are elementary principals in the Dustbury Public Schools.

2) Vivian. Dr. Jan’s new green car (a Toyota Prius) is fouled when her terrible teens leave an undiscovered quart of milk in her backseat after a visit to the local Sam’s Club. Betsy reminds Dr. Jan of an earlier incident in her previous car with shrimp scampy. Vivian has a feminine voice for a navigation system and the girls experiment with other voices… ELVIS!

3) Teens. Dr. Jan explains her philosophy of God’s plan for teens. Don’t miss this one!

4) Politics! Betsy reveals that she is a died in the wool Repuplican while Dr. Jan is a moderate Democrat… watch their rivalry with Bill Clinton and George W. Bush ensue.

5) Connie Chung. The girls talk about the embarrassing (go here to see the clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLY3dz97jyM) parody that Connie Chung records for the final episode of her cable show.

6) The Effing Charm. Betsy tells the story of the Charming f**ing Charming gold charm that she gifted Dr. Jan with… Bob Hope knew how to charm his employees.

7) Disparage. Say it, spell it, know it.

8) Eminem. Dr. Jan discusses her deep love for the tortured poet, Eminem. Betsy counters her love with NRA and Blue Collar Comedy.

9) The Ugly Girls’ Club. The girls tell the story of how they became the Ugly Girls’ Club.

10) Bathroom Cell Phoning. Did you know that 7 out of 10 women admit to cell phoning while in the bathroom?

11) Cameron’s Ringtone. Want to know what the owner of TPN uses for his ringtone on his cell phone? Cameron is it working for you?

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